Hello.......is anyone there!?

I feel alone and distant. I need to reconnect...I feel as though nobody understands and my baggage is a burden. I need to feel alive again. Germany was too expensive...but whats more important!? Money isn't everything however I don't make enough...let me rephrase that...I make enough but friend of the court is fucking me over so bad it's actually beyond belief. But who cares!? I just need to pick up and go...not move but just get away...but I don't wanna get away alone. I wanna spend time with someone and have someone in my life but it's been so long it's like a foreign language to me. What barriers do I take down...which do I leave up!? I have a feeling that tearing them down is not the way to do it. But again...what do I know!? I can't seem to do the right thing. At least it feels that way. I need to reconnect!

Balance

Why am I so unfulfilled!? It seems that no matter what im never fully satisfied. I guess nobody is but its just everything in life. I need to find balance! It never fails though...just as things start to balance out some elephant lands on one side. Im so sick and fucking tired of things not going slightly normal. I've been beaten enough to the point of depression and suicide...I would like some time to at least rebuild a bit. But the shit keeps coming and theres no end in sight. I've had at least 3 people in the past week tell me that i'm the unluckiest person that they know. I should at least get an award for that right!? Then I get "well it could be worse." That seriously makes me wanna rip their head off. Whats worse then trying to commit suicide cause I couldn't handle it anymore and broke down...a person can only be so strong for so long. I just need balance...but how do I find it!