When I was in my car I'd shower at work...the water was always cold...eat protein bars...piss in a urinal that I kept in my car...but I saved enough money for about 3 months of bills...so I tried moving back to Boston for about 4 months...I couldn't find any jobs...I applied for positions in 3 different states and with no luck I was offered my old job back...which I took...For a total of 20 months I've been flying or driving to see my daughter at least once if not twice a month. After racking up $30,000 in traveling fees and now havin a total of $68,000 in dept which includes almost $20,000 in medical bills from being unemployed for those 4 months or so I had to file bankruptcy. I was drownin in dept...couldn't afford to make minimum payments...it was awful.
Once my bankruptcy was over...things were lookin up for the most part...a new start in life...I can fly to Boston and be able to save money...i met a girl that i fell in love with...my body was behaving for the most part so i could workout...run...bike...I took my national registry and passed for CT...I went to France to meet up with my girlfriend...shit i actually made it to Europe...I took a train 4 1/2hrs south west from Paris to Bordeaux spent 5 days there and traveled back to Paris. I could now spend a few extra dollars to buy a movie or a book...something to fuel my likes or hobbies...and not have to stress over it or if i could afford food...I felt alive for once...I felt good.......until I was served papers to friend of the court.
During my divorce (I was in a 14 year relationship...7 of which I was married) we decided to opt out of friend of the court and just pay 1/2 of my daughters bills (school, medical...etc). So my ex decided to move back to Boston...well it's either I pay 1/2 the bills or fly out to see my daughter...and I'm goin to see my daughter!! So of course I get all the bullshit that comes with it..."you don't know what its like to be a single mom" or "you don't know how expensive it is raisin a child" Well no I don't cause you moved her away from me even thought we had 50/50 parenting time...anyways...
Once the ex found out I filed bankruptcy I was served papers to opt into friend of court...well great I thought...she makes DOUBLE an hour of what I make...she is in violation of 3 court orders...they'll throw her ass in jail and i'll get a good laugh out of it...not the case!! I lost my parenting time...I only get her 54 overnights a year AND...AND I have to pay $877 a month in child support...oh wait...they retro'ed back pay so its supposed to be more.......................And it was at this moment sitting in court that did it. I wanted to kill everyone in the room...I didn't know what to do...my head was spinning...all I could think is "Im not gonna be able to see my daughter"...over and over and over...I brought paperwork showing all my traveling expenses...the 3 court orders shes violating.......they didn't care...they just took her from me...if I had a gun I would've shot'em all...no questions asked!!
So now what...wtf am I supposed to!? About a month or so earlier...my girlfriend got an assignment in another country...for 9 months...sad to say but it didn't work out...I lost the two things in life that I loved the most...if thats not enough to make you depressed then maybe the rest of this surely will...my nana died...my car broke down...I now need to have my parathyroid glands removed...I have a tear in my left groin that for the most part doesn't let me workout...so tryin to take out any aggression...well thats not happening...theres noway how to describe work...it's stressful and I'm BURNT OUT...many minor issues that just added to the pile...I was shuttin people out...bottlin everythin up inside...I also have a cyst on the back of my neck...so when I have tension headaches it feels like someone has their knuckle embedded in my head...needless to say I had no emotions...I was numb...not happy nor sad...I was just in existence.
I was havin migrains for two weeks in june...constantly...I was takin ibuprofen daily for my groin and headaches........one day at work I had 60,000 mgs of ibuprofen in my hand and was gonna take'em all at once...I just wanted the pain to go away...........then a coworker came in the room and I snapped out of it...went into the mens room...broke down for a half hour...finished my shift and as I was walkin out to my car I thought "I can't go home.......I can't go home...not alone" so I admitted myself...was put in the mental health ward for 6hrs...then shipped off to a psychiatrist.
I've been in therapy and on paxil for almost 5 months...life is AMAZING!! I've learned a lot in therapy...about myself and others...I've made myself a better person...certain friends have been there for me...have helped been a back bone for me...one in particular...funny story about her...I called her by the wrong name for I think a year or 2...till she finally told me one day!! The only set back while on paxil...if you follow the rules...is no drinkin and I can't take ibuprofen...which is fine...it's not like I go drinkin every weekend...and wednesdays...anymore :o) but not takin the ibuprofen means I can't workout. I made the decision...with the help...if y'all wanna call it fate...of a certain occurrence...that I properly weened myself off the paxil...not because I didn't want to be on it anymore...I just figured that everythin is goin great in life now...im back on a new track...im gonna try it...so I got my 30 day supply just in case I need to go back on and now I've been off of it for almost 2 weeks :o)
If you ask another good friend of mine how hes doin he'll answer "I'm just happy I woke up today!"
Now I understand what he means!!!
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Okay, breakthrough. No one ever told me not to take ibuprofin while on Paxil. Now I see.
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