For the longest time I've been trying to contain issues...emotions...problems. Not saying just avoiding them or trying to ignore them...I know they're there but I guess it's just the fact I don't know how to deal with them. Thanks from a great friend I've learned instead of trying to stuff it in that little black box...just let it run it's course...let the emotions...the fear...the anxiety run through me! That way not only do I deal with it and get it out of my system...I'll know how to apply it other situations in the future.
Since I've been off my meds I thought I was having these anxiety attacks or whatnot...I felt quite nervous in some situations. But I think I just forgot how to deal with things...being on my meds I wouldn't care what was going on around me...I was always happy. I think this is where medications have a fault...it helped me with depression...but I still need to make everyday life decisions and not just let things go on without having a mental say in it. For instance with this current situation I have going on...I've been nervous...quite nervous to be honest. I'd try to contain it or put it in it's black box figuring if I did it would just go away...not the case! So every time I'd be in the vicinity...I'd keep getting nervous or have anxiety issues.
I'm feeling stuck again...feel like I'm going no where! I moved from Detroit back to Boston and I'm living with my parents for the time being. I'm on my last $200...I'm starting to feel confined...trapped...but I'm trying to hold it together. I have a job that pays minimum wage which is more for piece of mind and I only work about eight hours a week. I've been waiting seven weeks for a hospital to get back to me on a start date...it's to the point where I just keep getting a kick out of the entire process. I only have three or four friends and I've been putting a lot of pressure on one of them friend to hang out a lot and keep me company...to the point where I literally bite my tongue not to. It's like an obsession that I need to contain...it's not fair to her to entertain me. What the fuck has gotten into me...I used to be able to go to the movies alone...never minded being alone...now it's like I thrive for someone to be there...It started over a year ago...I'm sure it's getting worse cause of my shitty situation...but it's overwhelming.
I need to find an out...I need to get my shit together. I just got a gym membership so hopefully this will help. I need to turn it down a notch and breath. What the fuck is wrong with me...I need to pull it together. Need to take it back to the basics...plan out my days...something to look forward to...I need to climb out of this pile of shit and look more on the bright side. (deeeeeep breath)
I got into thinking the other day...would I rather have a time machine or a teleporter!? This wasn't a random thought...it stemmed from a conversation I was having with a friend. All I could think was how I wish I stayed on my meds and I didn't have to move. Then I thought I wish I could be there right now with her...to see her face and give her a hug...maybe talk for a bit.
I thought I'd rather have a time machine...however there has to be rules. You can't change events of others only your own...but you have to beware of a butterfly effect...one small ripple can have a mass effect on everything. This would be a great opportunity for me to go back and slap the shit out of myself and fix those few things in life that I regret. If only I had done just the slightest thing none of this would have happened...but it happened and I can't change that.
I think having a teleporter would be the best of both worlds. I could live where I want yet be with the people I want to be with. I'd be sane...wouldn't that be nice! It would make my life a million times easier. I wouldn't have to leave the ones I love or began to fall in love with. I would't have to think of her constantly...I could hear her voice and feel her touch. However I realize that this is the real world and I need to face the facts. You can't always get what you want.
