Where's my little black box!?

For the longest time I've been trying to contain issues...emotions...problems. Not saying just avoiding them or trying to ignore them...I know they're there but I guess it's just the fact I don't know how to deal with them. Thanks from a great friend I've learned instead of trying to stuff it in that little black box...just let it run it's course...let the emotions...the fear...the anxiety run through me! That way not only do I deal with it and get it out of my system...I'll know how to apply it other situations in the future.
Since I've been off my meds I thought I was having these anxiety attacks or whatnot...I felt quite nervous in some situations. But I think I just forgot how to deal with things...being on my meds I wouldn't care what was going on around me...I was always happy. I think this is where medications have a fault...it helped me with depression...but I still need to make everyday life decisions and not just let things go on without having a mental say in it. For instance with this current situation I have going on...I've been nervous...quite nervous to be honest. I'd try to contain it or put it in it's black box figuring if I did it would just go away...not the case! So every time I'd be in the vicinity...I'd keep getting nervous or have anxiety issues.

One day at a time...

I'm feeling stuck again...feel like I'm going no where! I moved from Detroit back to Boston and I'm living with my parents for the time being. I'm on my last $200...I'm starting to feel confined...trapped...but I'm trying to hold it together. I have a job that pays minimum wage which is more for piece of mind and I only work about eight hours a week. I've been waiting seven weeks for a hospital to get back to me on a start date...it's to the point where I just keep getting a kick out of the entire process. I only have three or four friends and I've been putting a lot of pressure on one of them friend to hang out a lot and keep me company...to the point where I literally bite my tongue not to. It's like an obsession that I need to contain...it's not fair to her to entertain me. What the fuck has gotten into me...I used to be able to go to the movies alone...never minded being alone...now it's like I thrive for someone to be there...It started over a year ago...I'm sure it's getting worse cause of my shitty situation...but it's overwhelming. 
I need to find an out...I need to get my shit together. I just got a gym membership so hopefully this will help. I need to turn it down a notch and breath. What the fuck is wrong with me...I need to pull it together. Need to take it back to the basics...plan out my days...something to look forward to...I need to climb out of this pile of shit and look more on the bright side. (deeeeeep breath)

Beam me up...

I got into thinking the other day...would I rather have a time machine or a teleporter!? This wasn't a random thought...it stemmed from a conversation I was having with a friend. All I could think was how I wish I stayed on my meds and I didn't have to move. Then I thought I wish I could be there right now with her...to see her face and give her a hug...maybe talk for a bit.
I thought I'd rather have a time machine...however there has to be rules. You can't change events of others only your own...but you have to beware of a butterfly effect...one small ripple can have a mass effect on everything. This would be a great opportunity for me to go back and slap the shit out of myself and fix those few things in life that I regret. If only I had done just the slightest thing none of this would have happened...but it happened and I can't change that.
I think having a teleporter would be the best of both worlds. I could live where I want yet be with the people I want to be with. I'd be sane...wouldn't that be nice! It would make my life a million times easier. I wouldn't have to leave the ones I love or began to fall in love with. I would't have to think of her constantly...I could hear her voice and feel her touch. However I realize that this is the real world and I need to face the facts. You can't always get what you want.

Well hello...

 I must confess...I'm a people watcher! It's an addiction I know...haha. I stumbled upon this little coffee shop a few weeks back and I have my usual spot I sit in that faces the front door and counter...perfect spot for me to get my fix! Needless to say I see a lot of people walking in and out. All shapes...sizes...colors...well mostly white people haha...but have you ever been sitting somewhere or walking and see someone that either A. you would love to have a conversation with or B. wish they'd come up to you and say hi!? For me it's mostly women but there's a few guys that walk in and I'd like to know what's on their mind. 
Most people that know me know the first thing I look at on a woman is her smile...I think you can tell a lot from it...just a simple smile or a laugh...which I think is sexy also! I think...personally...that an attractive woman can smile and it makes her no so attractive...same goes for a not so attractive woman I think a smile can make them more attractive. For instance one of girls here at the cafe...I wasn't attracted to her...she's bit of a plain jane...but when she smiled...it lite up her face...I thought she was beautiful...I could sit there for hours and just stair at her and listen to her talk. It's funny how things make or break people...you could be drop dead gorgeous and have an annoying voice or just have no personality...and again on the other hand people's personalities really make them!
On a side note...I don't know what it is with this country but people act like everyone has the plague. I've been to quite a few countries in the Caribbean and in Europe...I see it a lot where people will just sit and strike up a conversation with anyone. I backpacked through Germany for two weeks and took the train almost everyday...people would get on...sit next to anyone and start off with a nice "hi" or "how's your day." Here in the US people will leave seats open and stand rather than sit down next to someone. Just like now...I'm on the subway and this guy that has a baby strapped to his chest and wont sit next to me or any other open seat. I realize he has a baby and might not want to bother anyone but I just find it bizarre. And if you do sit next to someone or if start talking to them...they either get freaked out or they look at you like you asked them the square root of something! 
I spoke too soon...this girl just sat next to me...however I have my headphones on haha. Now I'm sitting outside at Starbucks there's four tables and nobody's out here with me...I'm in downtown Boston by the way...this chick comes out and sits in the furthest seat from me...I promise I showered! About 10 minutes went by and this other chick comes up...with two tables between chick number one and I...and walks past me...I look up and smiled at her...she smiled back and sat at the table with me...then her two friends came out and were talking...they were German...go figure! 
Back to my point...sometimes I walk in and see a woman either on her laptop or reading and I'd like to just go up to them and sit down and strike up a conversation. Maybe they're having a bad day and it might make them feel better...maybe they'll think I'm just a creep. None the less if I was sitting there nine times out of ten I'd enjoy someone coming up to me to have a chat or to say hi. Maybe you or I should try saying hello to someone...it just might make their day! 

*Thanks Murrrr :)*

7 years bad luck...

Ever wonder what people see in you...I was actually just wondering this. What do people see in me!? I feel that my mirror's cracked so it's hard for me to tell...I feel that I'm damaged and corrupted. I don't mean to sound negative...but after everything I've been through and the things I've done it's really hard for me to tell. I'm told I'm cute...nice and funny from people that don't know me...but would their perception of me change if they knew!? I don't know...maybe I'm looking into it too much. When I meet people I'm me...I don't put on a show or am fake...so when you meet me it's who I am.
I say I don't judge people in a joking way...but I really don't. We all have a past and that's one thing we cannot change. I know plenty of people who have done things you could only imagine and have had things done to them which is unimaginable. But that was then and this is now. I certainly would not hold anything against anyone...I have no right to. We all know I have my demons and I'm glad they're hibernating now...hopefully permanently! I'm very upfront with things once I get to know someone. Unfortunately I have put people through hell because of them and it's hard for them to understand.
I've always liked the saying "try walking a mile in their shoes" because it's true. I think I've had it rough but there's always someone who's had it worse than I have. You never know how it is unless you've been in that situation. I always thought I was the strongest person I knew...mentally. But once everything was taken away from me look what happened! As much as I try to explain to people why I can't get out of bed...talk...smile or do the simplest thing they'll never understand. I know it hurts them and I know they suffer because of me...because of my demons...but they'll never understand. I guess that's a good thing though...I wouldn't want them to.

Are things better the second time around!?

We've all said plenty of times before that life isn't fair, which at certain times it's not. Wouldn't it be nice if life offered second chances...not really a do over because then I don't think people would learn their lessons in life...but a nice solid second chance! People are fortunate enough and are given second chances all the time...although I'm sure half of them don't deserve it...myself included. But where's God to give us our second chance...to point his finger in our faces and say "see what you have done and see what has unfolded...I'll give you a second chance at this." Oh that's right...this isn't a fairy tail!
I was given a second chance recently...which meant the world to me...but now that I have to move back to Boston and I know there's no way it's gonna work...I've been offered a job in Boston...finally after 3 years of searching and endless job applications I finally got one.......doesn't it figure...you've got to be kidding me...wtf am I supposed to do now!? I wish my life wasn't such a cluster fuck...I hate it sometimes. It would be so much easier if one or two events would take place...but that would be selfish now wouldn't it...it seems I sacrifice a lot and get next to nothing in return. There's certain things in life I wish I got a second crack at...fully knowing it's impossible. Would that have made things better though!? People most times fuck up again...specially in relationships where "oh I'll change" but two weeks later it's the same old shit.
I'm going to have to leave my comfort zone and everyone I know when I move back...that scares me a lot! I don't want to go...but I think it's time to...at least for my daughter...she's going into second grade and I don't wanna miss more than I already have!
I guess after thinking about it...this feels like a second chance...I've become closer to people...last time I moved to Boston I had so much debt and I was miserable...now I only have a car payment and I'm on my meds...it feels different. Still there are certain things I would like to change...people I'd like to have in my life on a daily basis. I do get to talk to them and remain close...hopefully it'll last...and hopefully life can slow down a bit!

I do...not

Anyone else think that marriage is obsolete!? We've all heard the statistics "50 percent of marriages end in divorce!" That's actually not true. After doing a quick research...the numbers don't add up to that.  It also depends on age...sex and what marriage they're on. To me marriage seems like an event that is required to fit in with society. I was in a 14 year relationship and once we were in college all we heard was "when you getting married" over and over. I swear a day didn't go by without someone asking!  So I was married for almost seven years. Needless to say three months after we were married she was a different person. It was as if I married a complete stranger. 
I never understood why people got married. Why must we get married if we're happy with how things are!? You could say it's a religious thing cause god sprinkled fairy dust and said so...yet he can't stop a pedophile from raping a little kid...however you can get married without the church but some religions won't recognize it or won't baptize your kid or give you jesus juice. On the other hand you can't get married without the state because they get to tax most couples. Politics and religion...the two most crooked pieces of shit going. 
I've talked to a few people about this and the majority said that other than being in love...they're looking for commitment. I still beg to differ...if I'm in a relationship and I'm in love...aren't I committed!? But like a friend was saying...this is a never ending argument. 

Sixth sense

Don't you hate it when something you do...see...smell maybe even touch reminds you of someone!? I wish there was someway to disconnect that attachment from that person. Most times it can be pretty depressing! I caught a whiff of perfume that triggered my senses! Where the fuck do I know that from!? I was racking my brain...flipping through memories (for you that don't know I don't have any memories before the 9th grade...idk why...i've been in therapy and we can't figure out why...anywho) memories...places...people...then it hit me like a freight train...it was the perfume she used to wear...I would wake up smelling it...the nights I'd sleep alone I could smell it on my pillow. I'd smell it when I'd look into her eyes to tell her I loved her...the foods she liked...the places we'd visit...it brought it all back...needless to say it didn't make my day. I wish I could embrace the memories and the fact that I got to spend this time with her...but I can't.
It's not so funny how something that excites the senses can make or break you. But it will remain with you till the end of days.

Wakey wakey

Ever not want to sleep...yet never want to wake up!? I've always said I'll sleep when I'm dead...I don't like to sleep...specially during the summer! I work midnights and get off of work at 6am so when I'm driving home the sun is coming up. But there are those days where I don't ever want to wake the fuck up! I'm just sick of this way of life...maybe it's just me being lazy. I Need to think positive...I need to be proactive...I need my meds haha!

Erase me

need you
dream you
find you
taste you
fuck you
use you
scar you
break you
lose me
hate me
smash me
erase me
KILL ME
KILL ME
KILL ME


Eraser~NIN

Change

This question was on a job application...I made a post about this question and how I think questions like these are......irrelevant in some cases...but I just wrote and wrote...this is what came out. 


"Please give an example from your last job of how you provided excellent customer service"


oh lets see...well just the other day this gang banger got shot in the head at point blank range...he left parts of his brain on the scanner...so I picked it off and stuck it back in the hole!

or this guy was minding his own business...pumping gas...when two guys jumped'em...stabbed'em 17 times...so I had to stick a tube up his ass to make sure is bowels weren't perforated...then I had to clean up the massive amounts of blood left behind.

This girl came in who was 30 weeks pregnant...she was walking to work when baby daddy got these 3 other girls to kick the shit out of her...her face was so swollen that she was unrecognizable and as she was crying asking if her baby was alright...I lied to her and said "I'm sure everythings fine!" yet she had blood coming out of her vagina

Or the lady who was drunk driving with her two kids in the car...and killed one of them...and when she asked me if I was a praying man and I said NO...she screamed for me to get away from her cause she only lets praying people touch her...tell that to her dead 8 year old

lets see...the lady who got the meat cleaver to the head...or when baby daddy walked in and shot baby momma and her brother in the face with a shotgun...I actually don't see humans...all I deal with are animals...actually animals have more respect for each other...I'm still wondering how I can answer that question

OH I KNOW...I tried to save the lives of the 3 people that had an allergic reaction to the contrast we inject...yet they all died...wait that wont work! Ever see a person walk in to a room...then their throat closes and all you can do is watch'em die!?

I think its time for a change

People just think we're button pushers...I actually hear that quite often. I'd like to see how people would deal with this. There's a trend at work that people only last up to a year and half in the ER on midnight's...I've been there almost 4 years...change is long over due.

All is good...for the moment

Ever have a feeling where all is good? You know deep down that "this is good and I can live like this!" I had that feeling just about a year and a half ago. I thought I found someone I was gonna spend the rest of my life with. However if you've read my posts then you know the outcome. That fire has ignited again! For the past month I've been as happy as I've ever been. Within days I felt mentally and physically comfortable...which is hard for me to do! I told her I was on meds and for once a person who didn't ask why! Was she just being polite...or did she not really care!? She told me that if I wanted to I'd tell her. So when the time was right I let her in on my suicide ordeal. I also told her that I've decided to move back to Boston. 

Ever look into someones eyes and know deep down they feel what you feel!? Your so close you can feel their breath and you swear time stops...you know that this person is special...that after all this time that they might be the one you've been patiently waiting for!? Well that's what it's like...and yet again I can't have it! I get to look her in the eyes knowing in two months time it'll all end! I've reconsidered my decision to relocate...however I made a promise I can not back down from...so yet again I've lost someone that's special...so yet again I'm alone! I've given in to the fact I will never come out on top...I can only be defeated...I can only accept it. 

I will embrace the day when that someone is not ripped away from me like a child from its womb...when I will not have that bottomless feeling in my gut. People may not understand because they will never meet that person and have those feelings. I'm hoping one day this ominous cloud that lingers over me will dissipate. Until that day it follows me wherever I go...to make my life miserable.

Hello.......is anyone there!?

I feel alone and distant. I need to reconnect...I feel as though nobody understands and my baggage is a burden. I need to feel alive again. Germany was too expensive...but whats more important!? Money isn't everything however I don't make enough...let me rephrase that...I make enough but friend of the court is fucking me over so bad it's actually beyond belief. But who cares!? I just need to pick up and go...not move but just get away...but I don't wanna get away alone. I wanna spend time with someone and have someone in my life but it's been so long it's like a foreign language to me. What barriers do I take down...which do I leave up!? I have a feeling that tearing them down is not the way to do it. But again...what do I know!? I can't seem to do the right thing. At least it feels that way. I need to reconnect!

Balance

Why am I so unfulfilled!? It seems that no matter what im never fully satisfied. I guess nobody is but its just everything in life. I need to find balance! It never fails though...just as things start to balance out some elephant lands on one side. Im so sick and fucking tired of things not going slightly normal. I've been beaten enough to the point of depression and suicide...I would like some time to at least rebuild a bit. But the shit keeps coming and theres no end in sight. I've had at least 3 people in the past week tell me that i'm the unluckiest person that they know. I should at least get an award for that right!? Then I get "well it could be worse." That seriously makes me wanna rip their head off. Whats worse then trying to commit suicide cause I couldn't handle it anymore and broke down...a person can only be so strong for so long. I just need balance...but how do I find it! 

Damn my eyes

The devil and his had me down
in love with the dark side I'd found
dabbling all the way down
up to my neck soon to drown


Jambi ~Tool

The missing link?

So a friend and I were talking the other day about how women...well most women...put pretty much all their love into their boyfriend/husband and how most guys don't.  And also why do mostly all guys not voice their emotions/feelings?  Not that we communicate about most things never mind those...how are we wired so differently?
Most guys get freaked out...me being one of'em...if a girl is fast on the trigger when they first start to date...and I don't mean sexually.  I was on a second date with this girl who is a good friend of mine now...and she called me out on  it...she said "your a flight risk aren't you!?"  And I was honest and admitted to it...I am...I get freaked out by someone liking me to fast!  I enjoy having someone to wake up next to...I enjoy spending time with them...but after thinking about it...I'm a very independent person and I don't want to lose that and I'm scared of commitment.  I've been burned twice now and I'm scared of it happening again.  But when will I know if I find the right person!?  Maybe I already did.
Now why is it women put 100% into it yet the guy usually never does!? I've tried to figure this out for myself...with no luck...but why is it!?  I'm sure it's not how nice of a guy he is...I'm sure that helps...but most girls get treated like shit and idk...seem to like it...but is it cause he's good in bed...smells nice...is handsome!?  They adhere to our needs...wants and pleasures...yet in return they usually get squat.  The guy usually sits his fat ass down and doesn't do anything.  And thats another thing...since when is it ok for the girl to look good and stay in shape...but the guy can be a fat shit!?  That one blows my mind!  If he's not gonna respect himself...respect her!  Anyways the woman cleans...cooks...food shops...takes care of the kids...at what point are they fed up with it or do they just feel that since her mom did it this way they must have to!?  He's a grown ass man...he can do all the above...they're skills he should already know how to do...maybe not so much the cooking but it's not foreign the directions are in english!! 
What is the dysfunction in guys with communication!?  I must admit I was terrible at this...I'd let things bottle up inside then have a mental break down!  Thanks to therapy I've actually learned to just talk about whatever's on my mind and it make matters a million times better!  But its the simplest thing just to talk about whats going on or needs or wants...yet idk...its like we're wired wrong.  It just seems that theres this missing link between men and women and nobody knows how to fix it.

Germany!!!

So I did it!!!!!!!!!! Cross it off the list...I did it and it feels fucking amazing!!!! I went to Germany and it kicked my ass!! haha.  What an experience!!! I took about 2000 pictures thanks to my friend Jess!! She let me use her Cannon Rebel something SLR...awesome camera!!
I'm not one to make a game plan considering nothing ever goes according to plan...but I got my plane ticket...train ticket...picked out which cities I'd like to visit...searched for hostels and hotels before hand.  I pretty much knew what I wanted to see so it wasn't that hard.  The weather was pretty much the same as in the US...so I packed accordingly...I took a few unnecessary things which I had to leave in different hostels which I'm sure someone found use for them.  My back pack was about 33lbs so it wasn't bad.  I had the camera bag with lenses strapped to my front and when I was out or hiking I'd have a sling pack on my back.  I landed in Frankfurt...got my back pack and headed for the train.  This train the ICE was amazing...top speed of 186mph...the fastest I saw it reach was 125mph...when I wasn't staring out the window!!  Speaking of that...I was staring out the window and missed my stop...so I had to go an hour east...wait an hour...then go an hour back west...pay attention!! I finally got to Freiburg and my journey began!!

Whoa...

Guess it's been a while since my last entry...let me get on that!! (Thats what she said!!)